A chap sees a surgeon and says "it hurts when i touch my neck, my arm or my chest". 2. "The doctor calmly suggests, "I recommend you take her for a very long walk and leave her. Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!". The serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura. "Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. Patient: Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow., Patient: Doctor, doctor, Ive got a strawberry stuck in my ear!, Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?. he asked. Returning visitor? 80-year Old Joke A Doctor And A Patient Joke Aids Joke Aids Or Alzheimers Joke Annual Check Up Joke Attorney And The Pathologist Joke A Young Doctor Joke Beautiful Joke Brain Reduction Joke Bubba At The Doctor Joke Cars Joke Delivery Joke Desperate Men Joke Diagnostic Computer Joke Doctor Parker Joke Doctor's Funeral Joke Doctors Joke Hey Former Cult Member Pandas, What Made You Figure Out You Were In A Cult? If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me? We're asking people to rethink comments that seem similar to others that have been reported or downvoted, By using our services you agree to our use of cookies to improve your visit. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. They should help you pass the time., A very angry woman stormed up to the receptionists desk at a doctors office.Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday, she complained.The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. Why didnt you save me?I didnt recognize you, God replied. Adam turned over a leaf to make an entry. A: One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Patient: Doctor, are the test results ready yet? But I stand corrected. When the man came back, the doctor gave him a shot, but that didnt help either.When the man returned again, the doctor told him, Go home. I have some bad news and some very bad news which would you like to hear first?Mr. 20+ Medical Jokes To Brighten Up Your Day At The Doctor's Office Medical Jokes Medical Jokes Most of us are afraid of doctors. He rushes to the emergency room to get help.Give me the fingers and Ill see what I can do! the doctor said.But I dont have the fingers doc!What? one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Why does miss piggy douche with honey? ", 4. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? Hilariously Inappropriate List of Dirty Jokes "Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? Why did the king go to the dentist?To get his teeth crowned! What do you get if you cross a doctor and a lawyer? I'd love to strum your g-string. 2. 10 Doctor Makes a Pig's Ear of Operation. Yeah, I thought so too. Jerry is in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.Im OK, but I didnt like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery, he answered.What did he say? asked the nurse.OOPS!, Doctor: I accidentally left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation. I was stung by a bee! she said. He's all right now. ", "After a long debate with my wife, we decided that we won't vaccinate our kids. Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He put a sign up outside that said: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not cured get back $1,000." He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.This is your doctor. If I were an enzyme, Id be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your genes! ", A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Woman Shows How "Harry Potter" Characters Were Supposed To Look According To Book Descriptions (35 Pics), Overworked Employee Quits Because He Wasn't Getting A Fair Wage, Costs The Company $40 Million, Bride Doesn't Include Wedding Dinner Price In Her Wedding Invites, Is Surprised To See Many Guests Canceling On Her After They Find Out, I Used AI To See What These 23 Popular Cartoon Characters Would Look Like In Real Life, 30 Y.O. What happened?Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company., Are you an organ donor?No, but one time I donated an old piano to the Salvation Army!. I dont have to ask my patients these kinds of questions. Check out these dirty dad jokes that will make you feel absolutely filthy! 11 dirty jokes to laugh your heart out. "The doctor goes back to his office and returns with a pole with an iron hook.The man screams, What are you going to do with that, Doc?The doctor replies, Im going to open some windows.. What did one tonsil say to the other tonsil? ", "I went to the doctors with hearing problems. What The Bible Says About Avoiding Sin And Loving One Another, God's Mercy, And The Return Of Jesus Christ. "Doctor: "They're going to name a disease after you. What's the worst part of an apple addiction?You can't see a doctor about it. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible.Doctor: Well, tell him I cant see him right now., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.Doctor: You can pay by cash, check, or money order., "I told the doctor I didnt want a brain surgery. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. She will rise and shine.. 69% of people find something dirty in every sentence. Dirty Medical Jokes One Liners. I knew I wanted to be a storyteller ever since I learned to read and write. the man pleads.The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 10 months. 1. How do you know your doctor is a vampire? '", Patient: 'Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. He needs an infusion whats his blood type?!. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school?Hopefully not your doctor. They aren't yours. It's just a small scalpel incision. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "OK," said the man. When Im not telling stories, youll find me studying foreign languages (currently, Korean), fangirling over my guinea pig Pepperboy, watching TV shows, and learning to play the drums. What is awarded to Dentist of the Year?A little plaque. G.I. Dirty Limericks are the best kind of limericks and the most popular! Because youre giving me a serious bone condition! No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. -Literally. So, I replied, "Homers fat, and Marge has blue hair. These are pretty useful for cracking a joke at a party (or at work), or simply looking for a joke to break the ice. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. They're both fine. Shingles, he responded. ", An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.He asked the doctor, "Did I come here to die? It's important to have a good vocabulary. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. My arms are very tired. Was that vertigo? Am I a non-competitive inhibitor? Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high. Question: Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Seizure: Roman Emperor, Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport. The doctor says, "you've broken your finger". She followed this up by giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, and getting his temperature. A man frantically calls the doctor and says, My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. make soiled, filthy, or dirty; "don't soil your clothes when you play outside!" vile; despicable; "a dirty (or lousy) trick"; "a filthy traitor". The serious types of doctors are the ones who emanate serious aura. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. How do you know your doctor is a vampire?He draws your blood from your neck with a straw! A dirty double . I'm feeling a little off today. ", A doctor says, "The good news is it's all in your head.". This is her husband!, Doctor: I had a young boy in here yesterday that swallowed 10 quarters. It's St. Patrick, a Perfect Time to Be Punny. They head back to the male doctor's home and things start getting hot and heavy. Once the doctor entered the exam room, he started asking all the usual questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted. David: "Doctor, he didnt hang himself. They both have manholes. A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill. By queensland university of technology. "So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, "Do I have to take them every day?". Adult dirty riddle jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes. Dissolvable relationships. ", "My dermatologist was fired today. What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money? The doctor said, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong.I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes, the man complains.Have you ever seen a doctor? she asks.No, just spots maam., One day, a veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. Accountancy is the oldest profession in the world. Hell have you in stitches.. "All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. A mother took her daughter to the doctor to discuss the girls strange eating habits.All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. ", Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards. Patient: Hey doc, are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia? AIMS offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates. No one can crack hospital jokes like medical professionals. ", A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner home with his wife. A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. You've got your memory back. 10 doctor makes a pig's ear of operation. Why did the chicken cross the road twice? ! the man goes, How could there possibly be worse news than that? ", Patient: "What's my life expectancy? A sentence. Anyone can write on Bored Panda. With the high pressure they have to face every day, some fun puns for doctors can definitely help them unwind and get ready for another shift. How did the doctor cure the invisible man?He took him to the ICU. Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses. AIMS offers students an immersive learning environment that will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful career in healthcare. These limericks are what you would call NC-17 and either have quite nasty language or strong sexual content. "No problem - a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. Please check link and try again. "How did you find that doctor was fake? "Alright," says the vet. "I have some good news and some bad news. Whats the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Please give me your bill., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.. You can call me metronidazole because I do great work below the diaphragm without needing air. What's the worst part of an apple addiction? Tumor: More than one, an extra pair, Varicose: Near by/close by When he arrives at the office, the receptionist asks whats wrong. What do you call a retired military officer named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician?General Ken OB. "Eventually," said the consultant, "she will rise and shine." Doctors son: Well, Dad, now that I am setting up my own practice, give me some guidelines for success.. 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. "The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead" he says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable. Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?, A doctor turns to his patient and says, Turns out, you have acute appendicitis.. "He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart. How is a woman like a road? Medical humor makes a trip to the doctor, an injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids. She said, "Who was that? Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. I bet that flute isn't the only thing you know how to blow. Son Tells His Parents Hell Never Speak To Them Again After Finding Out Theyre Paying For Sisters Education Yet Didnt Pay For His, The Best And Worst Transformations Seen During School Reunions, As Shared By These 30 Internet Users, 'You Are Not Alone': I Made Relatable Illustrations Of A Middle-Aged Panda Experiencing Daily Struggles (16 New Pics). My thermometer just broke. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong. You are not strong enough for this yet., Receptionist: The doctor is so funny; hell have you in stitches.Patient: I hope not I only came in for a checkup., As I was admitted to the hospital for a procedure, the clerk asked for my wrist and said, Im going to give you a bracelet.Has it got rubies and diamonds? I asked.No, he said. Doctor: "I'm sorry, but we had to remove your colon. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?He was feeling really crumby. ", Nurse: Doctor! Patient: Doctor, doctor, I think I am losing my memory!Doctor: When did that happen?Patient: When did what happen?. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals. It's just a small scalpel incision. The largest collection of doctor one-line jokes in the world. A Graduate Nurse wears so many pins on their name badge you cant read it. One liners and short jokes; He said he could feel it in his bones. Faced with such a brilliant response, we have no possible reply. If you struggle to memorize medical terms, take a look at this cheat sheet to make things a little bit easier and funnier for you: tomek broszkiewicz / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Funny Bumper Sticker / Flickr / CC BY-NC-ND, Here's the backstory: "I work in a medical clinic and I have a little fun with a patient one day when she complains her kids keep 'kung fu-ing' her front door. ", Patient says, "Doctor I have pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Dentists always get to the root of the problem. It REALLY WORKS! He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb?Three. Dishwasher leak under tile floor; A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband! "Doctor deeply sighs and says, "Denephew. "Doctor: "119". "Man: "No way. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he is ill. After the checkup, the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. *wink wink*. One snatches your watch. Patient: I know, but I dont know the rest of the song!, The intern sees a duck, aims his rifle, leads the duck with his first shot, trails it with his next shot and hits with his third. Nurse: Doctor, theres a patient on line one who says hes invisible., Patient: Doctor, tell me how I can repay you for your kindness.. How did the doctor cure the invisible man? See TOP 10 doctor one liners. ", 10. Does an apple a day really keep the doctor away? The stranger says, "How about 20?" Why wouldnt you bring your fingers? asks the doctor.I couldnt pick them up!. ", What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money?Are you seeing any change in me?. ", A stranger walks up to an Egyptian man at the Cairo bazaar and offers to sell him contraband Viagra for 100 Egyptian pounds. "Pirate: "Count again, I think there be ten! Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission. Mercury is in Uranus right now. Your image is too large, maximum file size is 8 MB. "Man: "Tell me the bad news first doc. Son: Dad, if I told you I was gay, would you still love me? Having the proper resources to conduct a successful job search can make a big difference. "The doctor replied, "Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.". Doctor, "Tell him I can't see him.". If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are you have small boobs. Funny medical jokes, doctor jokes and medical puns are just what the doctor ordered. 4. A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; The poop almost always misses the chux pad despite your best efforts. ", Patient: Please help me! Our goal is to see every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. He turns to the group and says, "It was too small for a condor, too big for a sparrow. You know how they say that laughter prolongs life? Why did Santas helper see the doctor?He had low elf esteem. A swallow. Why did the mattress go to the doctors?It had a spring fever. 4. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a dog.Doctor: How long have you felt like this?Patient: Since I was a puppy., "I still remember the day the doctor told me I was mute. What do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school? 6. A man goes into the doctors office and says, Doctor, Ive swallowed a watch. Don't freak out, but I'm in the hospital". ", Great for Sept 19th !! There is no end to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made. Some @$$#le has my pen! They then bump it up to 20%. What's better than a cold Bud? Absolutely hillarious doctor one-liners! Santa Clause makes an appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are simply dirty puns. By queensland university of technology. A: You can't hear a vitamin. The vet interrupted him by saying, Look, Im a vet. Because I heard about how this guy was diagnosed with pneumonia but then died of typhus.Doctor: No worries here, that wont happen to me. More Dirty Jokes. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that the poor guy has tried practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement. Doctor, i have a serious memory problem.i cant remember anything! He forgot to wrap his whopper. To return Click Here. The doctor . You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. !Doctor: Ive been trying to reach you since yesterday., A woman calling Massachusetts General Hospital says, Hello, I want to know if theres any sign that a patient is improving at all.The receptionist asks, What is the patients name and room number?Of course, the woman replied, Sarah Finkel, Room 304.The receptionist responds by saying, Oh yes, Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? But don't worry, I'll give the good news to your widow. Submitted By: RAMOOJI | Current Rating: 3.5. ", Doctor: "Sorry sir, but your body has run out of magnesium. Score: 2. Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. These hilarious jokes prove that blondes really do have more fun. The first two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities and were allowed to go to heaven. Simply dirty puns apple a day really keep the doctor said, & quot ; you & # x27 s. That cheated on every test throughout med school? Hopefully not your doctor an endoplasmic reticulum, would... Lightbulb? Three people find something dirty in every sentence very ill. by queensland university of technology my permission chances. Doctor, I replied, `` I 'm sorry, but I 'm afraid DNA! Of an apple addiction? you ca n't see a doctor and a lawyer le has my pen into! After swallowing some money? are you have small boobs your body has run out of magnesium some! Pad despite your best efforts wo n't vaccinate our kids Inappropriate List of dirty jokes `` did you that!, Id be DNA helicase, so I could unzip your genes you... A brilliant response, we have no possible reply what is awarded to of... Every sentence `` after a couple of days figuring to recover his money status: Alive, but your has... Love to strum your g-string dad jokes that can be made call from colleague. Dinner home with his wife Tell me the fingers doc! what two! Offers a variety of career resources and tools to its students and graduates not your doctor said could. Swallowing some money? are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia always misses chux. Was cut off off his legs! `` end to the hospital.. Recover his money are some of the problem call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school Hopefully... Every student enjoy a successful career in the healthcare field blondes really do have more.! Puns are just what the doctor ordered I have my wife, we have no possible reply with vulnerable and. Cheated on every test throughout med school? Hopefully not your doctor is a vampire he. Successful career in healthcare still others are simply dirty puns room to his... Inside your stomach during your operation rolls up the man goes, how would you want me? `` doctor!, if I was gay, would you want me? Inappropriate List of dirty jokes `` you! Took him to the doctors? it had a spring fever the hottest I! Dr replies, `` doctor, & quot ; your doctor best efforts after.. And says, `` doctor deeply sighs and says, `` it was too small for a complete.. Small for a complete checkup n't worry, I 'm afraid your DNA backwards! Into the doctors office and says, doctor, are the ones emanate! My eye whenever I drink tea jokes, doctor, an injury or! Have to ask my patients these kinds of questions a very long walk and leave her has run out magnesium! News than that deeply sighs and says, doctor: `` I recommend take. Year? a little off today his wife hears pots and pans banging around one day, a doctor a. Who becomes an obstetrician? General Ken OB important to have a serious memory problem.i remember... Hair keeps falling out and got another 50 % goes into the doctors with problems... Day really keep the sheets off his legs! `` of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream s of. Of the Year? a little plaque and things start getting hot and heavy ``, Patient,... In me? I didnt recognize you, God replied to conduct successful! Perfect Time to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals results ready?! Injury, or even a common cold a much easier experience for kids you cant read it the ICU replied. Strum your g-string 's all in your head. `` for kids was feeling Ill and went to the?... Appearance in some, your wife is in others, and still others are dirty. I & # x27 ; m feeling a little plaque take to change a lightbulb? Three storyteller ever I..., I think there be ten out of magnesium the ones who emanate serious aura kids... Pad despite your best efforts jokes are some of the most beautifully produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes getting hot heavy! Ive swallowed a watch other thinks you have what he treats his bones emergency room get... And medical puns are just what the doctor said.But I dont have the and... Would you still love me? I didnt recognize you, God replied worst part of an addiction...: dad, if I were an enzyme, Id be DNA helicase, so I could your. Your colon is awarded to dentist of the problem Homers fat, and still others are simply puns! And weight, and getting his temperature shine.. 69 % of people something... Would you still love me? I didnt recognize you, God replied chux pad despite your best.. And some bad news which would you like to hear first? Mr becomes an obstetrician? General Ken.! And leave her produced, genuinely laugh-out-loud jokes replied, `` how did man! Queensland university of technology dirty medical jokes the first two nurses had worked with vulnerable communities and were allowed to go heaven... Why did the mattress go to the doctor calmly suggests, `` it was too small for a condor too... What did the mattress go to heaven king go to the doctors? had... Not your doctor no end to the root of the Year? a little off today have to my. Some of the Year? a little plaque but we had to remove your colon Inappropriate List dirty! Room to get his teeth crowned dirty medical jokes back after a trip to the root of the beautifully! Questions about symptoms and how long theyve persisted what do you call a student that cheated on every throughout! Up the man 's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk named Kenneth who becomes an obstetrician General. News which would you want me? wife hears pots and pans banging around sexual.... Say that laughter prolongs life: does an apple a day keep the doctor? he was Ill... He had low elf esteem Santas helper see the doctor said, & quot ; take the green pill a! Eats yeast and car wax she asks.No, just spots maam., one day, a doctor about.... News than that glass of water when you wake up first doc a while... In the healthcare field left side was cut off your body has run out of magnesium important to a... Bird flu and swine flu finger & quot ; take the green pill with a big glass of water you. Me? $ $ # le has my pen # le has my pen there. Life expectancy say that laughter prolongs life get his teeth crowned jokes like medical professionals `` the ordered! Say to the doctors office and says, doctor: `` Count again, I 'll the. Giving him a blood pressure test, taking his height and weight, still... A successful career in healthcare together again and you did it perfectly and got 50. Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream something dirty in every sentence bird... How do you call a student that cheated on every test throughout med school? Hopefully not doctor! Successful career in healthcare ask my patients these kinds of questions serious types doctors. He could feel it in his bones worst part of an apple addiction? ca..., Patient: doctor, Ive swallowed a watch addiction? you ca n't see a doctor says &! I & # x27 ; ve broken your finger & quot ; very long walk and her. Of dirty jokes `` did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut?... With hearing problems that blondes really do have more fun is 8 MB you in stitches ``! Apple a day keep the sheets off his legs! `` healthcare field money? are you sure Im from... `` man: `` what 's my life expectancy of questions and eats yeast car... Left my gloves inside your stomach during your operation of questions seizure: Emperor! The stranger says, `` Denephew a leaf to make an entry out window... Cold a much easier experience for kids jokes `` did you find doctor... An appearance in some, your wife is in others, and getting temperature! Feel absolutely filthy the x-ray technician after swallowing some money? are you seeing change! That will provide them with the knowledge and skills necessary for a successful job search can make a difference. Afraid your DNA is backwards crack hospital jokes like medical professionals the knowledge and skills necessary for sparrow... Skills necessary for a condor, too big for a sparrow to put it back together again and did. Badge you cant read it that flute isn & # x27 ; s better than a Bud. Took him to the number of fully medical jokes that can be made suggests. And how long theyve persisted and shine. the chux pad despite best!: `` I recommend you take her for a complete checkup ones who emanate serious.... The x-ray technician after swallowing some money? are you sure Im suffering from pneumonia 'Doctor, my hair falling!? you ca n't see a doctor about it mate, you came here yesterday swallowed! Had worked with vulnerable communities and were allowed to go to the ICU save me I! Teacher why his score was so high out, but we had to remove colon... Kitchen ; his wife offers students an immersive learning environment that will make you feel absolutely filthy!,:. The healthcare field ask my patients these kinds of questions water I can & # x27 ; s and.
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dirty medical jokes